Thx U so much…

Hohoho….
Huahuahuahua….
Thx yoo yg udah sms,, teLp,, give me testi & yg nyeLametin Lgsg just to say Merry Xmas to me….
Yay,, yay… Although it was raining on 25.12.06,, but it’s okay… Enak segh kLo cuaca adem ayem gini,, panas enggak,, ujan jg nggak.. Tp,, skrg tuh cuaca ga bs diprediksi !! Tiap hari mesti bw paying kmana2,, berat2in aja -_-“….

Nothing special today,, but there was very special moment today.. hahahahaa… Rancu ga segh ???
Yupz,, first I just wanted to stay @ home,, knowing that aLL my friends had their own plan.. But around 10pm (24.12.06),, one of my friend asked me to go out… I love to go out & hanging around with my friend,, so definitely I accepted it!!
Then,, that noon we went to Esplanade.. Actually,, we also confuse to decide the place & kt ga tau dsono ad apa… We just walked around,, Esplanade—Marina Square—Esplanade,, hahahaha.. Bner2 kyk org ga ad kerjaan.. Until the nite came,, we discussed such an important issue for me… It spent very Long time since I couldn’t speak up properly what’s on my mind,, LoL..LoL… Sorry yoo & thx for the time….

Actually,, I also confuse with myself.. I aLready know what I want & but I can’t speak it up.. too many things should I take into account.. My choice of words,, my way to arrange the sentence,, my feeling that I’m afraid to be detected… Some say pernah ngomong ke Rancu kLo aku tuh orgNa sok kuat.. Semua mau diatasin sendiri.. Frankly,, it’s true!!! Sometimes it’s good,, but sometimes it can be bad.. It’s good that kit abs prove kLo kt tuh ga manja,, ga usah terLaLu bergantung sama org laen,, kt bs mandiri !!! But,, ad saat2 tertentu yg kt hrs dibantu org Laen,, kt jg perLu org Laen.. Man,, we Live in community,, we Live with people… Mana ad smuaNa bs dikerjain sendiri tanpa perLu org laen..
One thing that force me to be strong is I don’t want to disturb others… Rancu sebenerna beratttt bgt kLo minta toLong ke org,, coz I know that I will disturb that person.. Rancu cuma ga mau nyusahin org laen lbih banyak Lg,, coz I think aku dah terlaLu banyak ngerepotin & nyusahin org laen… everybody have theor own businesses so I don’t want sacrifice their time just for me.. Yupz,, that makes me feel Like I’m strong & I must be strong…

But,, semakin daLam I pretend to be strong aLL the time,, the more it makes me fragile… Sedikit2 pasti rapuh bangetttt…. & when I feel it,, I just let myself know that I’m sad,, I’m not satisfied,, I’m hurt…. Sometimes I feel become an over emotional person,, just like this nite.. I tried not to cry everytime I’m thinking about it,, but I can’t.. The tears suddenly felt down… This nite @ Esplanade,, at the beginning I forced my friend to go home.. He said he can’t (if I’m a man,, I’LL give the same answer).. But I keep force & force him,, why ?? Bcoz I’LL know that I want to cry & I don’t want he saw me crying… After talking & talking,, I still can’t force him to go home,, so .. no choice… We just sat and try to talk & start another conversation about other topics. Firstly I was crying bcoz I miss them in Jkt… hahahaha… Maybe I need them rite now… Secondly,, I didn’t know that I was crying for another reason.. I cried when my friend was talking about a big problem that we face… I kept hiding & hiding my face coz I’m afraid.. I could think about the outcome of this problem & I pretend that I didn’t know it… But,, he knew that I cried.. He said that I didn’t have to hide it from him…

Just to let you know,, last nite I was crying coz I can’t stop stop thinking about that problem.. Well,, maybe @ the beginning I was crying buat org2 yg akhirNa kuteLpon.. But,, it’s over,, that’s aLL… & the rest,, I was crying bcoz I dun wanna loose…. I dunno whether I cried bcoz of the sadness or the anger or anything else.. I’ve tried to stop & contoL my feeling but I’m failed.. One main reason knapa Rani sLaLu nunda2 & Lamaaaaa bgt ngomong even for 1 sentence,, simply bcoz I stiLL want to spend the time together with u… Why I didn’t have any choice ?? Once I have said that Life is aLL about choices,, but in this case why I can’t choose ?? Where’s all of the choices ?? I didn’t want make he feel sad to see my crying but I couldn’t take it anymore.. Why I’m so pathetic ??? Everytime he asked me,, I just can say a big Lie.. I dun care if u called me a Liar.. U know why? Dengan begitu,, semakin mudah for u to hate me.. Rani ga mau bikin kamu pusing… That’s why.. If I never told u the truth,, it’s easy for u to make the decision.. But unfortunately,, u know that I’m lying.. See,, Rani bikin susah Lagi kan.. See,, I make you confuse & dunno how to decide…

For my friend,, a BIG thx to u mannnnnn…. Hahahahaha… I’m okay.. No need to worry about me again.. Thx for being my good friend,, I think I still need u…

--RanCu--